I wanna wear you like a flannel shirt
Joe is a total sociopath, I'm going to hook up with him tonight
Was I shouting at a fire engine last Friday?
She greeted me with a new giants jersey and an opening day blowjob. this is true love.
We got back together. The pastures weren't greener on the other side, the dicks were just smaller
I just had a 30 minute conversation about hummingbirds. That high.
I miss high conversations.
Swinging. Is. Amazing.
To my wonderful winter break booty calls: thank you for making this holiday season enjoyable. I look forward to seeing you boys again this summer.
Drunk me forgot I'm not an 18yr old raver anymore. Adult me is now in pain.
Got so drunk in South Padre some guy put me on a suitcase trolly and pushed me to my room. I flashed my boobs as a tip.
Girl at work pointed out that the blood vessels around my eyes were all popped and I smell like puke
We should hook up after this. Laugh or look horrified to say yes.
I'm pretty sure I just gave myself third degree burns from punching my pizza.
Uber driver has left leg up on the dash and turn signal on for about a mile, there's Chipotle wrappers on the floor, but she's hot. 5 stars.
Update: pile o Coke party starting at approx 4 - 7 and going until 1ish to celebrate our founding fathers and love of cocaine and hatred of everyone\n
When I met you, I was just like "who the fuck is this drunk chick throwing up on my bed?" But I'm glad we're friends now
Randomize
