i can't help myself.. i am just so in love with the kitchen manager.
...he was wearing JNCO shorts.. i'm pretty sure i saw the dragon.
I wish I had a waterproof laptop so that I would watch porn in the shower.
I just woke up to people screaming "funnel" in my kitchen....
Happy St. Patrick's Day.
you called your neighbor "slutsauce" then passed out on the stairway. not even sure why, but props to you.
I feel like an ass. I'm not blacking out ever again. I want to clean your feet for a year. Just like Jesus did.
When you passed out on the kitchen counter she brushed and flossed your teeth, then carried/dragged you to bed. Why aren't you married?
I'm so tired of waking up with my bed full of deli meats.
Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet.
I found out he put two potatoes in a jar because he wants to make his own vodka.
For future reference. Do not congratulate the bar tender at oscars she is not pregnant she has just gotten fat u will get a shot thrown in your face
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
He sent me a picture of his dick as a snake, I'd say things are going great.
I got with a bridesmaid and a server as well as put an $80 tab in rum and coke under the name Emerson Iglesias. Are you sure it wasn't my wedding?
how should I feel if a guy kept complimenting my bangs while I was giving him a blowjob?
you better come over.. I need a witness to help prove the couch talks to me
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