Brandy, I need a picture of your boobs. Not time to explain.
As I was going down on her I noticed she had a tatoo on her inner thigh that said "Eat it like your birthday cake".
We were driving to the party as he was giving me key bumps.. That's what I call team work
I've been crying in my room listening to Billy Joel for 2 hours. Thank God Four Loko was banned.
Just puked up hair, tacos and vodka. Hello Memorial Day weekend.
Hangover Status: I've been bedridden longer than that kid from The Secret Garden. It's not looking good.
Just drove past the dude that came in your sock
Got a text that the fed tax return dropped into my account just before getting on the first leg of my flights the Vegas. Fate? Viva Las Vegas!
My night just got really weird. In a sit down stall bathroom at this nice resturaunt and this guy walks in as I rip a humongous porcelain-splitting fart. Well, I hear him stop for a second. He then opens the door to the stall next to mine, sits down and says, "player two has entered the game."
Did you win?
I'm not dropping acid and watching game of thrones with you. That just sounds like a disaster waiting to happen.
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
What happened last night? I just woke up and there's like 15 mcflurry cups on the floor
You don't remember stealing them?
Best and worst whiskey dick ever. I am hungover and can't move from the hours of sex, he on the other hand has a raw bruised dick. I win.
What happened to your back?
Rug burn. My ass is even worse.
be the chaos you wish to see in the world...
i'm trying to figure out how to respond to that in text
Randomize
