note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
Took his v-card last night. Yet another experience I didn't expect to have in my thirties.
Just found custom condoms. Guess I'm not getting any work done today.
I went back up to the apartment to get her phone and when I came back she was peeing on the sidewalk
If I come back covered in mud topless and banging on your door, please have a warm towel ready for me
its 4am. im standing over him in my bed eating chinese food, on the phone with dan trying to convince him to break up with his gf. whoredom.
So far today I've found 3.5 million dollars in savings. Pretty sure management is gonna start buying me hookers if getting laid has this much payoff
I was just shot with a dart gun by one of my coworkers while walking to the printer. Ironically I was printing my resignation letter...
We are 100% horrible people, and im extremely happy we are friends
I have a 30 minute video visit blind date tonight with a guy in prison. And it's costing me $9. ROCK... BOTTOM...
Marrying her is the worst scenario of any. That includes death and zombies.
Oh man. I am high, watching The Office and getting pancakes. What a country.
I'm still drunk, my mom is throwing up, and there is a random Irish guy out getting our house breakfast right now. Wednesday's are my bitch.
It's dangerous to be this horny at work. I'm gonna stain my desk chair
Theres a free llama on craigslist. Are you in or are you in?
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