it wasn't sex, it was awkward naked time.
how ive managed to spend 100$ at an open bar is beyond me.
Just seen a scantily clad pirate with 2 36 packs of natty ice on a bike riding with no hands. If she doesn't hit a speed bump she's golden and should be on the next Americas got talent.
I remember tearing his shower curtain down but I don't remember trying to shave my vag...
I'll hold a taco with my boobs for you
You force fed me chocolate chips and avocados for 3 hours and kept asking me about my trip to sweden when I was 4.
No more drinking with Em. She was on the ground so much she looked like she belongs in a lifealert commercial
Would I be bad if I bought a pregnancy test at shoppers the same time I hand in a resume? Or do you think it would get me the job?
You christened everyone with a powdered doughnut and then tried to absorb vodka with your nipple.
Some nice lady just gave me a beer out of her purse. I love youth hockey
I was weirded out when the chunky goth girl and her boyfriend both started eyeing me and wanted to by me a drink.
Did you leave a mouse under my pillow again?
Business idea: assless chaps for toddlers. I'm high.
My hairdresser won’t do keratin treatments because of the toxins, but will put ecstasy up her butt at festivals...
That’s the third time this month he’s hooked up with a girl by telling her it’s his bachelor party, and he’s not even dating a chick let alone engaged.
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