I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
yo my bday is less then one week away. hope youve found another annoying candian i can lick dairy products off of. also sorry about your loss
Cab driver just said he likes mutual masturbation in the cab. Um
he actually used the line "do you have a map, because i'm lost in your eyes" and i was to drunk to care
Banged a lazy eyed chick last night. It was like fucking an iguana.
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
Rode a jet ski for the first time three days after I lost my virginity. Hell of a week for my vagina.
we found you standing over and eating out of my neighbor's garbage can
It doesn't count as drinking alone if you're making rum cake with it.
So that groomsmen was naked under his kilt. Also I just had sex in the elevator. And yes, those two updates are definitely related.
In unrelated news guys should not ask what I'm doing/wearing if they can't handle an honest answer. I'm not pretending I'm not sitting on the couch in yoga pants watching Community so you can beat off.
SShout out to Barney the Dinosaur for teaching me how to sing the ABCs backward. I just scored a free pitcher.
I'm in the liquor store and fucking "Wannabe" by the Spice Girls is playing. IM ALREADY ASHAMED OF MY REASON FOR BEING HERE, GIVE ME A BREAK.
excused from jury duty. THAT hungover...
I do not recommend playing football on LSD like at all
Randomize
