I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
Congrats to the girl that left her positive preggo test in the bathroom...
At what point did we agree that playing bocchi ball on the way to the liquor store was a good idea?
Nothing like hearing a USA chant while getting head. God bless America.
my self respect just called, its having a good time without me
I'm sitting in the corner at the bar with a poolstick in case a brawl breaks out. Some crazy shit is going down and I'm trying to show my feathers like a horny peacock.
I was asking the bouncer, "if I fall will you catch me?" which then turned into "if I jump off the roof will you catch me?" He said no.
His morals are debatable, but his heart or perhaps his penis is in the right place.
His penis is crooked. Right place? Maybe he starts there, but then he slants.
you put your hands over the taxi driver's eyes and shouted GUESS THE WAY TO THE CLUB
Alls I remember is making out with that chick.
Nope that was a dude
Blacked out drunk in California and woke up somewhere in Arizona, I'm pretty sure I got here on foot
Please remind me next time not to call the ex who cheated on me to cry about the ex who forgave me for putting him in prison. It would be much appreciated.
You would think by the size of the lump on my ass that I would have remembered falling down a flight of stairs.
woke up to my little sister's best-friend's boyfriend in my bed, but how's your saturday going?
Don't forget to bring $1s for the strippers. Make it rain!!!!
Thanks, mom, will do
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