I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
Anything crazier than usual happen? I woke up in a stairway with my cock out.
Oh, don't even get me started. Harry Potter is so pure. Twilight is just teenage girl porn.
I was on my way at Dorito Smoothie
You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it
Tequila is the liquid version of celery. I lose more calories during tequila drunk and the following sexual activities than I gain by drinking it...
Pretty sure I'm taking the break up well. Alcohol made me okay with it and drugs keep me agreeing with why I dumped him in the first place.
I'm hiding her cosmo magazine. the only sex tip she needs is to not handcuff her boyfriend to her roommates bed and lose the key
Smuggling a beer bottle full of vodka out of the bar with a tampon as a plug for the top of the bottle wasn't one of my classiest ideas... but your hangover proves it was resourceful and effective. Your welcome.
Convincing a cop that you have diplomatic immunity is way harder in Dallas than in Serbia. And you get fined for attempted bribery.
Oh boy. Send him a care package with laxative cookies and alcohol. So he can shit himself while he's passed out drunk.
He sent me a vid of himself jerking off. I hope his hands are the size of tennis rackets or it will be a very short date.
That hot guy i showed you guessed my exact bra size. I want to have his tan babies.
Hurry up I'm getting mooned by a hobo
pray to the hookup gods
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