That's what you get for not wearing a bra and jumping on a trampoline
when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
just saw a former disney star do a keg stand. her life choices have improved.
Now she's making me sit here and look at pictures of guys she likes who look like bears. She's calling them her bear friends.
That's not a good night. A good night is waking up with no skirt, no money, and the imprint of the edge of the bar on your forehead.
When we were grinding I think your nuva ring fell into my shoe
I'm laying in the fetal position on the floor of my kitchen eating potato salad with my fingers. Please come over with some real food and keep me company.
the bad thing about being great at twerking is that I'm powerless to stop myself from doing it when I'm drunk and in public.
He wore pink swim trunks on our date and repeatedly insulted my profession, but his cat kept standing up like a person to nuzzle my face and I felt like a Disney Princess. I hate this dude, but the cat is too amazing for me to not fake interest for.
How do you tell a vegan you want him to stuff you like a turkey?
Some days, I wish I could get a hug from a furry muppet
I better get weekly incoherent text messages or I will assume something is wrong.
Haha holy fuck. i dont remember much after pissing on your ex's flaming nude pics.
He's asking how tall I am he wants to make a body suit out of me
Tinder has really served to stimulate the number of sex related demons summonings.
Randomize
