The party tonight has no theme but I decided to go as a home wrecker.
Never have I ever before welcomed her period with such enthusiasm. She was starting to pick out baby names. She got me "What to Expect When You're Expecting."
so she bought me lunch gave me a blowie then paid for the gas since I drove... I think there's a catch but I'm gonna run with it
For the record, a bath beer is far superior to a shower beer...
They want me to get them some X for there wedding present. I'm on the way to get it now
Speaking is such a hard concept right now
You brought us all personal gifts you had stolen from the party and bellowed "hoes hoes hoes, clepto Santa loves you"
in honor of breaking bad starting soon, i am now banging a walter white lookalike. viva heisenberg!
It got quiet and we all stood around and opened the box and I've never seen so many burritos in my life man. it was fucking biblical.
that pic of me and the hulking football player sure does come in handy when creepy guys hit on me at the bar.
what do you mean i can't make cookies with a blow dryer? challenge accepted.
Leave it to you to bring a trash can into a fist fight.
I woke up and finished the bottle like a champ
outside on the street drinkin, walked into a random house and asked to pee, some kid hands me a beer and says i have to chug it first
I'm a freaking penguin. one mate for life, and really awkward at parties
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