By the way the awkward moment from yesterday is now a bad situation I have to figure out.
Thank you Grey Goose.
This just in: I met a girl who does the phone sex phone lines, and shes' 5'4" 320. I'll never get a hardon again through a phone.
I just shaved my vag with a razor my dad left when he was here a few months ago. Too hungover to think about the Freudian connotations
Just heard an advertisement for 40 proof chocolate milk. We may never have to grow up
considering I showed up there after a xanax, 2 bottles of champagne and some coke, no shirt and someone else s husband... I'm sure you can figure that one out.
Too high to move please buy hi-c and pour it in my mouth in exchange I will marry your first born child
IT'S LIKE SHE TAKES SECRET KUNG FU CUNT LESSONS AND THEN BRUCE LEES ALL OVER EVERYONE.
Ya know what's been the best part of this College Football Season? Not having to hear Brent Musberger say the Honey Badger 77 fucking times.
If your night didn't end with writing a witness report for the cops at a shwarma place, your night was probably less interesting than mine.
I can't find the remote or the Doritos. Someone call 911. S.O.S. I sent this in Braille.
Like a gentleman I waited until you were done vomming to start my Big Mac.
I wonder how long it will take her to realize that I peed in her night stand.
You know you're stoned when you tell your dog you're stoned only to realise he's not in the pickup
You talk the same way I hallucinate.
You left your phone here
Wait...
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