Why did that cocktail waitress get to sleep with Tiger for 2 years, and all I ever got for living in Whorelando for five years is a couple of pictures with Joey Fatone
I'm driving to work with an ice pack on my vagina. how was your weekend?
Swear. I think after passing out in a community college parking lot I can safely nominate myself for the piece of shit of the year award
bring the vodka.
i thought we were going to mcdonalds..?
we are.
Just ordered a clown who does balloon animals. No backing out now.
Sounds good. Stay safe. I'm kind of drunk in a Food 4 Less right now and I'm having the time of my life.
I got laughed at by a homeless guy in a Daniel Boone hat. I have no clue what this means for my day
I like to play this game where I try to reach orgasm before my bathtub overflows....lost tonight.
With a breakfast like weed and a fun size twix before a dentist appointment you can see exactly how I handle being an adult
My brother just text me asking if I was ready for the blowjob of my life.
This snow needs to melt so I can get wasted on someones front lawn
Man, I meant to go dancing, but accidentally took mushrooms and just threw the frisbee in the park
Surprise ending
Cancun blessed me with a drinking problem
bring the pregnancy test and the margarita mix, see you in 15
If you keep giving me that glorious dick ill bake you some cookies
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