If I remember correctly, I may have been smoking a cigarette on the dance floor. This is the true sign of a douchebag in his native habitat...fmylife
I'm applying temporary tattoos with green beer, this is the life.
I think the tooth fairy visited me last night... after I chipped my tooth n blacked out, I woke up to my purse filled with cocaine n sequins.
I wouldn't blow him for all the queso in the world.
I'd rather blow that homeless guy who asked me to breast feed him.
No cash. I had to buy four bowls of soup to meet the credit card limit. I'm not even upset. SO MUCH SOUP.
I don't have to hold her hair back as she blows me but I do have to hold the ball on the Santa hat
I gave the bathroom attendant $5 last night for turning the sink on for me. What. The. Fuck.
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
I got so stoned last night I thought I was in second grade again
Go to hungover. Go directly to hungover. Do not pass go. Do not collect 200 dollars
Don't forget Giraffe in your car! If we show up in the same outfit without animal heads we're just gonna look weird.
If you're funny as hell and have a mustache, odds are I'm probably gonna fuck you
Drunk you needs to learn how to call sober me, so sober me can talk your drunk vagina down.
I love how encouraging you are, but I need you to stop me when the guy I'm going home with is a dead ringer for Nick Cage.
I'm glad I date someone who likes the simple things. Sex, kittens, and McDonald's.
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