is it sad that i can masturbate and get my big O just from thinking about a Tiffany engagement ring?
i was gonna tell him a really embarassing story about you, but then i remembered im in all of them
sober me hid the cigs from drunk me. sober me is a tricky bitch.
the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
How long after st. Patrick's day is it ok to shit green before I should seek medicial attention?
You refused to come over and kept yelling that you were gonna sleep on a car
there's sperm and chicken noodle soup everywhere
I do wanna see you. And we can just lay here and watch a movie and listen to me cry.
He just kept repeating "not with an octopus" over and over for hours. Soooooo Porn Dare was a succes.
I threw up off of your balcony and it must have been loud because the dog downstairs went insane.
I've spent my afternoon dipping strawberries in DayQuil if that's any indication of where I'm at in life.
He took my Spanx off and still fucked me twice. I call that success.
I want you
Nvm, now I want someone who replies to my booty-call texts faster
you've already made the comitment to pee in public you should at least whip your dick out
you don't need to worry about using proper grammar if you're asking for the size of his dick.
Randomize
