New record: 45 minutes. Afterwards I played We Are The Champions while we cuddled.
she wrote "SORRY" in her vomit and left
he told me that if i wanted to smoke he could make a piece out of my shoe. were keeking this kid around
eww mummy girl is here...
what the fuckk. i just want to hold her down, wax her eyebrows, and give her some morals.
I'm partying with my neighbors right now, and by "with my neighbors" I mean they are partying in their backyard and I'm partying in mine, and by "partying" I mean I'm sitting here alone drinking tequila.
Theres been so much buildup for our genitals to meet, one or both of us is sure to be disappointed.
We need you. We already made it on global news and are drunk at the election party.
hes like my own personal sex toy i use him on the weekends and then i have the option to put him away all week
After he came all he could say was how great the lighting fixtures where in my apartment.
The problem with never associating with your roommate is that you never know if they're dead in their room with the door closed or just gone for the weekend...I sprayed some febreeze just in case.
It was a fight. Me vs nature and drunkenness. And nature won. Big time.
My grandpa is driving me to get condoms and wine. This is adulthood.
Her mom came in and passed out drunk on the floor next to us while she was riding me, "it's all good, she does this all the time" is what she said
This bowl is so big, I just said out loud, "I'm going to die here" as I blew smoke out the cat door. Merry fucking Christmas.
I wonder how many people saw me whip my junk out and bang it on the light post in front of holabird bar and liquors last night. I'm about tired of having to do that.
Nobody saw you except the people in the bar, because you weren't outside. You were inside, and you were smacking it on the mens bathroom door handle
I really hate whoever invented fireball.
Randomize
