I just woke up and found a naked man on my floor. Looks like Dad had a wild night of strip poker
I just chugged a whole pitcher of beer in 1 min. 9 sec. A whole goddamn pitcher.
Oh please, I could turn a Vienna Boys Choir concert into a shit show
He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
just had a dream there were parent teacher conferences in college...scariest dream ever.
Theres a baby at this concert double fisting pacifiers. shes gunna do great in college.
Family of uber douches all wearing ed hardy in a hummer taking up 2 parking spots at starbucks. Please be more cliche
im not sure. I kicked him in the ear last night trying to kick a plastic cup off his head to prove I can kick higher than anyone.
i think if i got caught drinking at work i could get away with it if i started crying and saying my cat just died. as long as i'm confident.
You said you were going inside to sober up and then you poured yourself a wine glass of warm gin
I make your heart skip a beat like that pivotal moment when you open a public toilet lid
I get off at the next exit which doesn't have a shoulder, a guy is riding my ass so I cant stop. I think I got as much puke on his car as on mine.
You should make us a hot pocket to split while I go throw up.
Why didn't we pregame for this?
Because it's breakfast!?!
Babe, I'm gunna be straight with you. When you act like a dick it makes me regret not fucking my manager last week.
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