I just remember telling jokes while vomitting
I am paying my roommate as much of the electric bill in pennies as possible because I hate her.
It's refreshing to see you in something that is stained with something other than vomit and spilled alcohol.
i just remembered the time you guys tried to give me an intervention because i was drunk before 5 on a monday
Our halfway to Halloween party needs to never happen again. There were waaayy too many wasted cartoon characters passed out in my living room this morning...
we tried to steal a tractor last night. you should have come out.
Dude, she found the red hair dye from 4th of July. then she proceeded to give you a red mohawk for a more patriotic thanksgiving eve. How do you not remember that?
I am wrecking havoc on the skinny girls by going home with the big one. She is taking me to see her dog now.
Fell down the metal stairs and some guy tried to fight me after you left. I fell asleep with cadbury eggs in my mouth too.
Went to an open-bar law school party and puked in front of Justice Scalia. My legal career is now complete -- I literally got judged by a U.S. Supreme Court Justice. Can't get any higher than that.
You're officially the most high maintenance man I've ever had inside me.
I just ordered cookies for delivery. My life is falling apart.
Nothing like sunday church bells to aid your walk to the pharmacy to get plan b
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
Heading there now. Already have a boner.
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