Note to self. Condoms are not microwavable.
you got in your car and made the sounds of a NASCAR, then called me on your phone and I was your pit crew. then you apparently you won the race, and THAT'S when you tried to backflip off the top of your car.
craigslist faux pas number 857, just got head in a disability bus.
my phone cant type all the emotion im having
Needless to say they were not happy to find out that we braided their hair together, when one of them woke up needing to puke bad
Hey. Hope youre not too hungover. Also, did you put a Christmas tree in my guest bathroom and cover it with condoms?
Oh no I would never do that to her. But when you're single again let me know. Cheating penis is definitely better than single penis. But she has claws.
I don't think you understand. Its the best fauxhawk you've ever seen. I look like a gay dinosaur.
That's the most beautiful thing I've ever heard. Can I call you littlefoot?
And now I'm drinking leftover wine in the grad lounge because fuck my life
You think you know everything because you're wearing a sweater
Prepare for massive TMI but anyway long story short I have a Swiss flag band-aid across my balls.
What a patriot you are. How'd it happen?
I got my dick out in a gay bar for just one free shot. I didn't know I could be bought so cheap
Apparently you can unlock an iPad by doing a line on the lock screen I'm about to bust that myth
We just did a u turn on the highway to settle a dispute in a game of slug bug
Sunburned by dick at the nude beach. Bad. She tried to blow me. But. I. Just. Can't. Saddest day of my life.
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