No idea how I passed that sobriety test.
i actually looked down at my cock today and said "whoa buddy, you need a haircut....(grimace) and a shower"
Okay you're seriously so fucking annoying its like having a baby
TAKE DOWN THAT PHOTO OF ME IN THE NURSES COSTUME NOW.
So I had a Liz Lemon moment today....went to Chipotle to get my "cheer me up" burrito bowl for the 4th time this week and the chipotle guy sighed and said always the same huh?
Last night drunk me texted a sure to be hungover me my class schedule and locations for today. I'm like a mom preparing her child for the first day of school
Fucking him was like shopping for my first training bra.. Embarrassing yet extremely useful
He rubbed my back afterwards. I forgot how to talk and I legitimately thought I was a cat for a few minutes.
He called us the '3 Amigos' and told us if hos ex wife came we had to jump the porch railing and hide in the bushes.
I think it's time for a new pick up line. So far my " hey you want to go back to my place, order a pizza and fuck?" Has set me at an all time low downtown 0/4
I thought adderall would sober me up, but it did NOT.
I'm high. The text bubbles floating do no justice to the underwater experiences
He held my hair back for me while i vomited in my driveway last night and i repayed him by farting mid-heave.
I never thought I could be this turned on by a man wearing racoon tails.
It figures that the only time one of my videos on Snapchat gets replayed is a video of my Hedonism Bot impression and NOT my nudes
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