So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
so i decided to listen to you and went ahead and slept with him. you owe me 3 minutes
you just can't say no to drugs on a mirrored table.
the girl next to me at the bar JUST looked down at her vagina and said "im going to get you fed". if i come home alone tonight...i give you permission to cut off my penis
listening to the two girls in the next stall finish a 40 and laugh at this guy they both fucked. they're calling him 'tulip dick'.
The kid in the park, who was on a leash I might add, looked at us and yelled "stranger danger" before hiding behind his dad
God you people are gross. Come collect your unconscious friend.
She came to the party dressed as slutty elmo and then called me oscar the grouch for not wanting to bang her in the dumpster outside.
she is way to in-touch with her childhood
Bailing my boss from jail at five in the morning.. If thats not a promotion I don't what is.
I'm toasting stale bread and thinking of you
Is that a sex thing?
I told him I was on the pill and it was OK to fire away. I want to never have to wear panty house or ever go to an office again. This is my early retirement plan. I want half of his NBA money.
This stupid maranara sauce stain sucks. It keeps distracting me and it looks like I'm staring at my tits.
my vag sweat smells like doritos
so now that we're not dating you have to stop sending shit like this to me okay?
Oh man 11pm. That means it's time to take my shirt off an eat a brownie
I just want you to know that watching you throw up out of a cab in the McDonald's drive thru was probably the highlight of my night.
Randomize
