We were done making out and had been asleep for a hour. I felt him put his hand on my butt. Then I farted.
Its 6am. Um if my mom for some reasons asks, you stopped by my house around ten and had some wine with me. She is concerned I drank a whole bottle by myself. Woke me at 6am to interrogate..Thank god my pounding head thinks fast.
PS We had chips too. She is less concerned about the whereabouts of the chips but still a good lie always needs detail.
No, I was feeling sad because all of the other girls were like model-skinny. But then I remembered that I had big boobs and went to hit on their boyfriends.
i think i want to fuck a midget just to see how difficult it would be
You told her the u were going to wrap your dick around her neck and start her like a lawn mower. thats why she left.
I'm genuinely dissapointed that we didn't make any fat chicks cry
Sorry I didn't text you for coffee this morning...bad life decision Saturday sorta rolled into Monday...
I've decided I'm gonna attack people with the toilet plunger.
Just be aware that next year I will probably try to seduce you to avoid going to the gym
You gotta hand it to him. 6 hours in a new town and he's already fuck someone, had his ass kick by her bf, and rounded up a posse of people to kick this guys ass.
I can't even masturbate without crying fuck this break up
you fail at everything in life besides blacking out
Yeah we were on bar number 7 on our bike trail and you decided to steal my bike and we found you 20 minutes later eating Cheetos in the shallow end of your parents pool
he just used a semicolon in the middle of a sext
Well I found my neighbors on tinder if you're wondering how my night went
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