Considering last night's endeavors, I am going to hell 5 times over. 1 for puking on a hobo, 1 for laughing about it, and 3 for remembering it today and laughing about it sober
I just threw up during my phone interview for the largest PR firm in the world.
Pre-game strategy: play thunder by yourself in the shower. Surprisingly, success.
I just figured you know how to drive a boat and I know how to get drunk. What can go wrong
I want to wear something that says I'm a lady (but I have condoms!)
I told him if I was pregnant we were coming out to the people at work, because I'm not pretending to get knocked up by an imaginary boyfriend.
You got the whole drunk bus to sing, "In The Jungle" while conducting with your glowsticks.
Ran into my neighbor that's always crying. I wonder if she's like; "I ran into my neighbor who's always playing with her vibrator?"
In my defense, I haven't stolen anyone's clothes yet.
Yeah, that's a plus.
He's pretty cool once you ignore the fact that he's trying to get into your pants
I had mdma, weed, and alcohol in my system. My doctor seems to think that's how I tore my groin.
Come over. Bring cocaine. And my t shirt with the dolphin on it.
I'm pretty sure our sex is better than most foods and that says a lot too bc I really like food
I don't need to marry the guy. I just need some filthy, shameful wish fulfillment sex and then live out the rest of my life on the bean farm.
I know you're having a really bad day and I'm a little to blame for that and I'm sorry. To make your day go better just try to imagine what people's fuck faces look like.
Randomize
