Just saw a cop issuing a DUI. At 3 pm. It's definitely the start of winter break.
He said I taste like butterscotch, licked me, then I'm pretty sure he wet his pants. So no, I do not want to invite him over.
I knew I was high when I wanted to write a poem about how great it felt to wash my face
You were humming mission impossible as we ran from the cops
I think you blew it when you asked her "Do you look good naked too, Or is it just the bra?"
Don't worry about it. Anal sex isn't always sunshine and wildflowers.
The liquor store guy just accused me of buying alcohol of minors due to how many bottles I got. The guy should be used to this from me.
I resisted the temptation to hold the cake in one hand to alternate bites with the ruffles I was eating. I decided that might make me look dysfunctional.
She asked if i could guess "what shape her carpet was". I got it wrong (christmas tree).
I just soaked a sugar cookie in nail polish remover to clean off my nails because I was too lazy to walk to the bathroom to get a cotton ball. Is this what rock bottom feels like?
i took four shots of tequila, threw my fist up in the air, then went around the party showing everyone how to do the ninja turtle handshake. that's the last thing I remember
$1 drinks and Playboy theme. I am never leaving this place
Mom kept me on a leash as a kid, did you know this?
When she went in the beer store I got to hold it.
He said he couldn't fuck me cause I kinda looked like my brother
Showed up to pick her up in my boxers. Lets just say im 2 for 2 with this new idea
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