What I lack in compassion I make up for in lack of compassion
Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
I told him we couldn't have sex because I was ovulating and "I come from fertile people."
You told me when we were leaving the club if I could pin point your nipple through your padded bra you would show me if I was right.
and he should realize what an amazing ex i am for encouraging my best friend to hook up with him
I just commented on the education level of his penis.
I was grossed out that all their candles smelled like vagina and then I remembered where my fingers had been.
what's the proper way to say, "I'm sorry for puking on you and your bed mid hook up then going downstairs and fucking your roommate because you locked me out of your room completely naked...?"
How long have I been using my debit card as a coaster?
I feel like my cat and I are playing mind games. I need more friends.
It's like the cookie assaulted me with being high.
he kissed both of us goodnight when we dropped him off...I didn't know if I was more offended or impressed
Oh yeah I meant to tell you the Tomb Raider looking girl so crop dusted me on the stairway
I walked in..crop dusted the whole place then asked her if she wanted to go to a place that smells better.
You were always a thinker
I just had to ask my drug dealer to "keep it simple for me". Is this a new low?
We've done worse things
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