Ur dog is a babe magnet. Reminds me of me
The midget we rented got so drunk last night he got carted off in an ambulance
she is using a fork to eat popcorn and refuses to drink gatorade out of anything but a margarita glass... did i mention the popcorn is on a plate?
Well now that I've given all the athletes mono there goes our chance of winning any conference championship
well we could tame deer to let us ride on them. does that work?
I'm really really gonna try not to at least one night. The 4 day thanksgiving bender almost killed me last year
He tried eating fireworks, to stop him being hungover in the morning. Where do you keep finding these people?!
She said she'd heard about my nickname in high school. Apparently sledgehammer isn't as popular as you'd believe...
Want to come over and rub aloe on my tits?
I have come to the conclusion that my perfect boyfriend is a cardboard cutout of Link with a dildo attatched. Also, Merry Christmas.
Why are your underwear on my dining room table?
She just told me she thinks she bruised her labia in class
Confirm that you received these messages so that I know you feel the agony of my vagina. There is such a thing as "too many penises".
it's pretty awkward texting you how much I want to suck your cock when I have my mom on speakerphone.
On my way
What is my life coming to that I have to cross state lines to get laid?
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