I just saw how many times I called you last night. You're welcome.
I'm watching this guy on intervention hospitalized for liver damage. He's drinking the hand sanitizer in the hospital room. Say hello to your future.
i came out of my blackout when my grandma called last night. it kinda sobered me up and i realized who i had been making out with. should i call and thank her for the defensive cockblock?
remember the used condom we threw behind my bed? my mom found it and is accusing me and making a big deal out of it,
Haha! You pissed me off, so I actually told her to go look behind your bed. Good thing I moved to Nevada, so your dad can't kick my ass. Good luck bitch.
It reminded me of the time my mother gave my Bailey's in my stocking when I was 14.
She passed out in the backyard, making "face down" snow angels ... so they could have a smile.
why oh why did i suck thise tits. nothing but trouble fuuuuuu
That's why I don't chug things. Because when I was a freshman in college tequila came out my nose.
Hey. I thought you were saving your 80s playlist til marriage.
I am broke enough to accept it. If I get poisoned, you can have my shoes
I remember having the weirdest thoughts and thinking our room was a compass and we were in the compass or something.
Please tell me you've ingested more than weed and Oreos today
So looks like I applied to adopt a dog last night. I'm completely ok with this
You kept sacrificing me last night. You would just yell out "Virgin Sacrifice!!" and then throw me into a circle of men.
Just found an airplane bottle of whiskey and I didn't put it in my coffee. I think I deserve a little recognition this morning.
Randomize
