I hate when my naked walk-arounds are interrupted by someone knocking on the door
I'm like a new puppy, everybody wants to touch me
Fuck appropriateness.
totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
You are missing out on the best boobs in town right now
Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend. I woke up at 7 this morning to drive your mistake home because you wouldn't get up.
you force-fed me gummy vitamins while screaming "I JUST WANT YOU TO BE HEALTHY" i have never been so terrified in my life.
She's trying to feed the TV fried rice and screaming "FRIED RICE AND TEARS". Please bring me more booze.
At the drs she looked at my back saw your scratch marks and asked "does your back itch a lot?"
i woke up soaking wet with shard of glass imbedded in my flesh dangerously close to my dick what happend?!!
BEER BOTTLE SWORD FIGHTHING!!
He drops f bombs like every other word and he just gave me 127 shares of tmobile stock for free. I feel like I should pay him back in blow jobs or something.
Last week in my political science paper I quoted the Mighty Ducks. This week, I compared the Constitution to a weird pickle law in Connecticut (by law, it's not a pickle unless it bounces). So, yeah, clearly I'm ready to be back to being a college student.
i just love the holidays, i hotboxed a gingerbread house last night
The moral of the story is this:the last shot of the night is always a mistake
Do you ever wake up and realize playing beer pong with your parents wasnt a dream? Your mom really beat you
Randomize
