HOLY SHIT! Did you see the dick on that Great White Shark?!?!?!
i just farted in a meeting....took me completely by surprise.
so you made the shocked face and they caught you.
yup.
They are currently going door-to-door asking the neighbors to donate money for Cheez-Its and gift wrap. They asked me to stay back at the house to make another pitcher of margaritas.
Second night spent with creepy guy. I either need to change his nickname or stop doing this.
He said my labia gave my vagina a "cute personality"
The couple that wants to take me home just paid the bartender $100 to pour tequila down my throat. I think I'm in some type of twilight zone where stds run rampant and the alcohol floweth
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
We fucked to the rythmn of the thunder, it was magical
My week is over as of 8pm tonight, and I'm herpes free...Let's rage
I will kill you in such a brutal way if you ever de-pants me again on the dance floor it will make the stock market ticker
Wait also totally unrelated but can horses sit down?
I just tried to picture one and I don't think they can cause I can't envision it
So I'm about to drive his drunk ass home and he spits on my car. Before I can say, "Dude, what the fuck?!", he puts his finger to my lips and goes "shhh, its in the past."
I CAN ONLY BE THE BIRDIE ON YOUR SHOULDER WHO LEADS YOU INTO BAD DESCISIONS
I think you might be the first man ever to describe getting a blowjob as "neat"
i may have just googled 'is philly rioting right now'
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