Its 6am. Um if my mom for some reasons asks, you stopped by my house around ten and had some wine with me. She is concerned I drank a whole bottle by myself. Woke me at 6am to interrogate..Thank god my pounding head thinks fast.
PS We had chips too. She is less concerned about the whereabouts of the chips but still a good lie always needs detail.
do you think you could subtly ask him about the dimensions of his penis?
How did it go last night?
Woke up head half shaved and a burrito? So good and bad?
No talking tonight. Just drinking and puking up memories
You don't know how emotionally damaged I am from crashing into that park maintenance van. I'll never ride a bike because of it.
what are you going as for halloween?
drunk, naked, & emotionally unstable
The zombie version of you bit my friend's hand. No more zombie crawl for you. Not ever.
Awk moment when I forgot to tell my hookup about visitor parking so he got towed
"I'm a professor to university students" I say as I realize I have a nipple piercing that I have no memory of getting
Why does everyone always assume I'm fucking their boyfriends?
You are fucking her boyfriend.
Tempted to tell the Titos promoters at this bar that they are doing the lords work.
Oh, and Harry Potter. We could be fuck-and-Harry-Potter buddies.
Who put my cat in the fridge?
I really need to stop turning to the BDSM dungeon masters of tinder whenever my heart hurts
I'm fucking camped out by the bathrooms. I think the poopatrator is in there. Wtf is my life
Almost an end to the saga.
Randomize
