she offered me iced tea and went to go change.then her dad came in the door.i thought i was on how to catch a predator.
dude sorry about putting my finger in your butt last nite i was wasted and thought it was mine
I just found out my favorite drunk show, Repo Men, is just reenactments. I can't express through words my disappointment.
when i was ordering pizza, the guy muffled the phone but i could clearly hear him say "its that drunk bitch again"
we need to drink more beer. the fridge wont close.
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
What time do you think you'll be heterosexual?
She keeps feeding me drugs. Its like I'm her baby bird or something
I feel like vibrating beds are just synonymous with venereal diseases.
He literally said I should watch game of thrones while I was blowing him like is this the conversation you want to be having right now
You kept sacrificing me last night. You would just yell out "Virgin Sacrifice!!" and then throw me into a circle of men.
My mom is selling her car. I'm secretly relieved I won't ever have to tell her about that time you puked in it
Idk what was more embarassing, seeing her face when I finished, or seeing her roomates faces thru the door..
I may or may not be setting up an encounter with a foot fetishist just because I'm curious.
There was one thing about my NYC trip I forgot to tell you: I took a dump in Trump Tower
Randomize
