I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
happy birthday! Any relationship between us is now officially illegal.
Did you ever get our sex tape out of the rental car before you returned it?
found a rock and smashed the sliding glass door. home safe. screen door is locked so we're good.
we drunkly made out in the middle of the street beside the homeless guy playing the flute. Not how I imagined our first kiss.
Apparently it's ok to apply for building permits drunk. I feel like there definitely is a law preventing that.
Plus I'm pretty sure you said "love you" on the phone, so technically I should be putting you on some type of probation
So far in the last ten minutes I have tried to pour cereal into a plate. Today's gonna be a great day.
When everyone ask you tomorrow go ahead and tell them I'm the girl that fell of safe ride and was all bloody.
You brought string cheese to the strip club
You know you're too high when you find yourself crying at " hand in my pocket" by Alanis Morissette because it's "just TOO REAL"
I'm pretty sure ignoring the person that just sent you a picture of their boobs is bad nude etiquette.
MY LIFE IS A TRAINWRECK THATS ON FIRE BUT SOMEHOW STILL MOVING, I HAVE THE RIGHT TO SCREAM OUTSIDE AT 2AM
He just told me my boobs made up for all the bad things that had ever happened to him. I'm definately having sex with him again.
I could be writing so much lesbian porn right now but noooooo!
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