New invention idea: vibrating tampons
Never get a handjob from a girl who gives deep tissue massages.
He let me keep his flannel as a "good job" for the great head I gave him.
His roommate just snorted a line of Smirnoff off the desk. I could really fit in here.
He's going to regret telling me he doesn't care if i shave or not...
Second day of summer classes and i already got this girl to send me nudes during class
that is WHY your in summer classes
worth it
lit a joint with my parents wedding matches today, this is what happens when you're out of lighter fluid. didnt even feel guilty.
After so many times of carrying your puked covered clothes home in a bag on a Tuesday morning, you begin to realize that Fucked Up Mondays aren't a real thing.
Ramen still too hot to eat. Eating it anyway. Stoner girls feel no pain
He's in the same dorm as me. We are sharing a laundry room, gym, and cafeteria. I'VE ALREADY COMMITTED DORMCEST AND MOVE-IN DAY ISN'T UNTILL NEXT WEEK!!!!
Im pretty sure breakfast wine is a thing, and if it isn't, I just invented it
DO NOT LET HIM TAKE CONTROL OVER YOUR BOWELS
"Because this is an ongoing legal matter" is how his morning after sex text began. So...
Our love of vodka is more proof than a maternity test
It seems that I didn’t convey clearly enough how well and truly fucked we are, Jack. Listen to me very closely: we are DEAD.
Randomize