My whole home page is your drunken face booking, congrats.
Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
If your 8 lb baby was ham it would serve 6-8 people
my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
I was gonna tell her, but there were too many tongues in my mouth
There should be a rule.......that if you have a small penis you must wear a hat with propellers on it so you can fly the hell off the planet.
Yeah, you went up to him and said "I stare at people until they feel obligated to talk to me."
I love being high. The owl outside stopped who-ing and I could swear I just heard someone say, "Okay, that's a wrap!"
I just compared his sexting to a plate of spaghetti. And he STILL wants to sleep with me.
Fucking holidays. How do I have this many men who want to fuck me and none of them are available when I'm ready to blow my top?
So I have to masturbate in a hospital. I wonder what kind of porn they have.
Me and Jason had to grab your legs and arms and drag you in the house. You kept screaming "leave me for dead"
I need to see you idiots before I go back to school. But we shouldn't snort Crown Royal this time.
Are u alive? If u are, you deserve an award.
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
Randomize
