Sorry if I ruined your sex last night with my constant text updates about the plot of Bolt.
Ifound a recepit for a hotel room in my sock. soo.. Ithink thats where my dog is.
Should have told me the night we were talking about deal breakers that vomming outside your car was one of them. I would have taken a cab back
i think i broke my dog last night...fuck
WHY DO I WANT TO FUCK EVERY GUY THAT BREATHES
hes duct taped to the wall and we're throwing eggs at him. i love thirsty thursday.
For the sake of my mom, I can't sleep with two guys with the same name. She has a hard enough time keeping up as it is
He rubbed my back afterwards. I forgot how to talk and I legitimately thought I was a cat for a few minutes.
One of my students submitted a thesis proposal to find the exact correlation between desire for sexual intercourse and vaginal heat.
Tell me you accepted it! This is critical fucking research!
I had a drink called "the white nun." It tasted like Marshmallows, and celibacy.
Just got blown whilst wearing a glow in the dark superman t shirt. Your night will never be as good as mine.
I mean it could have been worse, I could have been sober.
In fairness you've introduced me to a lot of people I've only met once, for like 5 seconds, while drunk
Ya know what's the worst? Being drunk and wanting to show someone a picture of your goddaughter but not wanting to open the pictures on your phone because the first one is of someone's dick..
All I want to do is drink an excessive amount of free alcohol bought from strange men, while taking frequent trips to the bathroom to snort an assortment of illicit drugs off dirty toilet seats. Break cannot get here quick enough...
Randomize