Sweetheart, you've always been a horrid bitch...
Just got done shaving my balls. You were right.
You must have had one hell of a time explaining to that girl why aladin soundtrack was playing on repeat in your room when you got back
She woke up 3 seperate times, each time she had a look of pure terror on her face, she had no clue where she was.
I heard from anne today. She has a broken collarbone and is knocked up. Apparently florida is awesome
Just tell him to eat fruit before so it tastes good. Then it's just like shotgunning a smoothie
I hear youre working today. To keep you entertained, ive compiled a list of condiments that my dick has NOT been slathered in since last Friday: Relish, and raspberry jam. That's right.
Breaking into his house to steal the sheets I'd drunk pissed on before he got home was not how I wanted to be spending spring break
I am a 5'4" ball of sexual frustration and vodka. It is that kind of night.
I still have your make up all over the inside of my thighs from the face sitting. Free tonight?
He's only done it missionary. His world is about to be rocked. Do you know what I look like from behind?
Just tried to do a line with a snorkel I cut off... that is how my Aruba trip is going!
Over 14,000 people at my school and the kid I went home with last night is IN MY FUCKING LECTURE
Smargarita sloshedurday tomorrow around 2
Bring a helmet for your liver
Note to self: dont wear a butt plug for several hours and then go gym and try and do squats
Randomize
