Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
but it happened after you broke up with me and before we made up.
Another night of drunkeness. Maybe I shouldn't have played death pong...
Didn't you just get a DUI last week?
Indeed I did but death didn't stop Jesus now did it
I discovered last night there is no graceful way to remove your face from your gf's crotch when your parents walk in the room
Dude if it is possible to orgasm from shitting i think it just happened.
Note left in log book: "4:30am a guy was caught masturbating in the bathroom and passed out in his own juices and we had to take the door off the hinges."
You guys are open that late?
My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
The kids I taught this morning even knew i was drunk. One of them even said, and I quote, "You smell like my dad after he goes bowling."
IDK who she called, but some guy came into the party, flying drop kicked Joe said never again. She has to invite him around again.
Eight drinks in. Subject is fondling chips before eating them. Intoxicated texting has expanded from best friend to random guy I met in FBLA.
DISHONOR ON YOU. DISHONOR ON YO FAMILY. DISHONOR ON YO COW
He compared my ass to "a 13 year old track star's ass." Umm WTF? Is that supposed to be a compliment? And when I questioned boy or girl he said "either."
You don't know bruises until you've been banged by 3 drunk bagpipers in the back of thier bus
Oh! I forgot to tell you. Part of that weird ass dream last night. I was jamie lee curtis and I cut off all my hair because yogurt.
Randomize
