i always forget that thursday isnt the weekend in the real world
I envy you so much. I get girls who pee on my floor and you get girls who leave in the middle of the night
It was a two-sided wall so part of my body ended up in someone elses condo.
So, I was thinking... Since this restraining order doesn't go into affect until monday, that leaves us 5 days to wreck his world.
You owe me new eyes. The ones I have are burned with your balls into the back of my eyes. And every time I close them, your balls are right there...
You need to simmer down or I'm going to buy you a labia leash.
Your boyfriend and I are bonding over your giant dick.
We left his house because I forgot how to drink water, I was just holding it in my mouth and then spitting it out, needless to say I don't remember the sex.
Unfortunately hes not a hipster douchebag with no life goals, so naturally I'm not interested.
He sent me a snap chat of his naked torso with cookies over his nipples. Like.... that does not make me want you homeboy.
No seriously, I don't care if you just sucked God's dick. I have had a better Fat Tuesday than you
I'm gonna take a crap in the portashitter like a civilized human being.
Can we just talk about the fact that the last time I got laid I was wearing a Jurassic Park tshirt?
My arms in a cast, how am I supposed to have sex with only one hand?
more importantly I need two hands to eat pie
So the girl I met at the bar last night came home with me. Played with my puppy. And left.
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