Someone should tell Glenda that I only hang with her because she makes me look prettier.
its like the voldemort of pregnancies, we don't talk about it
I'm going to fuck him so hard that his dick is going to fracture
Glad to see your being a lady about this
Someone just asked me if ur the girl that fell through the floor. I HAD to say yes.
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
So. How about you can get tequila certified...
The 12 year old son winked and made eyes at me while his father fed me vodka gummy bears. Gameday yo
Yeah, I'm sure we have time for sex AND ihop.
I feel like I should treat myself every time I find out I'm not pregnant. Is there a pie company that delivers??
Never in a million years thought I would have to put jello shot recipe/equation into an excel spreadsheet
I wonder how many people saw me whip my junk out and bang it on the light post in front of holabird bar and liquors last night. I'm about tired of having to do that.
Nobody saw you except the people in the bar, because you weren't outside. You were inside, and you were smacking it on the mens bathroom door handle
I really hate whoever invented fireball.
The next time you invite me out to a bar full of cougars warn me first. I never felt like a piece of meat before.
Does this cleavage amount say, “Fuck it, I’m over dating, let’s just fuck?”
HANDS OFF UNTIL AFTER I DO BUTT STUFF WITH HIM.
So my best friends wedding ended with everyone seeing me getting eaten out behind the forbes church. Classy!
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