Aunt Jean just announced that her pubic hair is getting thicker as her head hair gets thinner. As a family we are just not a people of mystery.
I'm driving to work with an ice pack on my vagina. how was your weekend?
just used clorox wipes to give myself a whores bath. hello finals week
Let me just say....i'm sorry about setting your carpet on fire. I had no idea that the paper towel would burn that quickly.
I'm silent, like a masturbating ninja.
Last night we got home from the bar and saw a fox outside and we lured it in the house with a piece of cheese. Just wanted to party with some potentially dangerous wildlife I guess.
Either your boy toy or the kid who pulled a knife on me in high school is here
I got hammered with my chem professor at 4:30. I'm pretty sure that can't be topped by any real sort of institution.
I am too high to deal with coming home to 11 naked people in my living room
The other night he asked if I had a condom and I said I had an IUD. and he goes OMG A BOMB?
Letting Freddy Krueger eat me out = HAPPY HALLOWEEN TO ME!!!
Nothing better then waking up to multiple snap stories of people doing body shots of tequlia off of you
I finished my first whiskey and I'm waiting to have a second one in celebration when your pregnancy test comes back negative
As soon as you told us you were an ostrich with a big penis, we began to wonder what you were on and if you wanted to share.
I told him. He hasn't said anything. Crying and holding cats is probably what is happening.
Randomize
