I'll write directions out on a napkin and slip it to him. Then say P.S. The UTI is gone.... that's not creepy at all right?
the way she shouted out instructions during sex made me feel like I was having sex with my gym teacher
When you come back do you think I could print anorexic pictures of Mary-Kate?
"fuck a duck" is spelled out in chinese food on my counter... im kind of nervous to search the rest of my house......
funny how all you have to say is "i'm infertile" and boys are stoked on you
Judging by the fact that my hair was glued to my head with vomit, yeah I think I couldve used a friend last night
Looking for things to spread butter on. Found men's briefs in garbage can. Lost insurance card. Summer has finally arrived
She called me her guardian angel after I picked her phone up from the river of pee coming from her front porch.
I had to assert my dominance as Alpha Drunk.
Well he just said "there's glass on the floor and it's okay I'm only bleeding out of my esophagus" so yes he's tripping
My team for a project is gonna have weekly meetings at a bar. yessss. they will do all the work while i thor hammer down beers.
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
Wow i just puked in front of the lady that was drug testing me. I passed though!
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
Got everyone out of my house, somehow managed to put all my lawn furniture back, puked in my sink, and cleaned it up all while black out drunk before my parents came home. Successful night.
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