There was a ginger baby in the car next to me. I almost totaled my car into the center divide.
I tried to assassinate the ginger baby
omh. i just found SHIT IN THE SHOWER! who the fuck does that? and why do i always seem to find it?
The Firefighter Games are going to be in Tampa the same weekend I am. I think God is answering my vagina's prayers.
My mail consisted of a box of dildos and christmas card from grandma.
Why isn't there a sort by hair color option on Facebook? It would make stalking much easier.
Public service announcement: if you would like to continue receiving blow jobs, a 25% increase in fuck-giving will be expected immediately, and you're expected to give an actual flying fuck at least once a week. Brought to you by the ad council.
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
I used that money i stole from the stripper last night to pay for my date tonight.
I woke up at 4am on the floor covered in olive oil and fire extinguisher powder but all I wanted to know was where the rest of my booze was at.
If you find my purse on your yacht please call me - girl you slept with after yacht party
he said didn't have much sexual experience and then proceeded to tell me he is going to make me cum harder than my vibrator could
well, that escalated quicky
all the one night stand stories i have end with me crying on my RA's floor stuffing cupcakes into my mouth
I am 95% sure I just heard my cat say "What are you doing home? It's Saturday night."
final thoughts: i just want someone into choking me out, weed and anime
Eventually I will start sleeping with people who actually want to hangout with me the next day... But not today
Randomize
