he stole me 6 pairs of frilly undies and proclaimed "your ass looks like a 5 in those. it'll be a 10 in these bad boys". every girl needs a gay bff.
True Life: I hate vaginal excretions
dude. she was texting with her nipple. I love touch screen phones!
Fuck now we have to have sex
What?
In a bet, need to win
I like when I have the chance to say normal things like 'I know her from college' vs 'I did a ton of blow with her one night at Studio B.'
because drunk making out is frowned upon in museums i think
Having to grow a landing strip to cover the bruises from pole dancing. Thanks for the birthday present, but next time, maybe just a gift card?
No you don't understand. This tree is really alive. Like in Pocahontas.
He said we would have a beautiful daughter together. That way too much for a one night stand...
Yeah we were on bar number 7 on our bike trail and you decided to steal my bike and we found you 20 minutes later eating Cheetos in the shallow end of your parents pool
I could tell you were slightly drunk by the time you started having a conversation with my tiki torch
do you ever look at a card in your wallet and reminisce about all of the drugs youve done with it?
havent showered in 2 days. just Febrezed my balls in the car before going into a movie alone with a 40 of Guinness.there isn't a word in English for how single I am.
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
She yelled Carpe Diem when she orgasmed. Is it too early to marry her?
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