i an so hammered right now. I'm about to pass out but i just found the lion king dvd and i'm so happy words don't even describe.
I'm gonna name my first kid mufasa regardless if It's a boy or girl
you turned on the Care Bears movie at 5am and kept screaming "I CARE"
Thats my favorite, when ex girlfriends become XL ex girlfriends
What do I have to do to get you laid? I talked to that girl with the ugly dog for 45 minutes trying to get you in, and all you said was "Steven Spielberg is my favorite director."
I've been crying in my room listening to Billy Joel for 2 hours. Thank God Four Loko was banned.
It was the most graceful puke ever. I just thought she dropped something underneath the bar until she told me what happened.
Did you sleep with Connor? And who undressed me? There's a picture of two guys peeing out my bedroom window. What happened?
Sorry, they don't make maternity Power Ranger suits...
Lest we forget our veterans. Also that two years ago I lost my virginity on this day in a hot tub. Go me for being the worst person on earth.
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
I feel like I beer bonged a ton of asbestos
He sent me a dick pic from his living room and it has pictures of his three kids in the background
It's a special kind of bond when your gay brother takes pics of you topless at a frat party.
One of the finest moments in my life was when I was puking in between my legs as I was shitting, and thought to myself "hmm this shall be called shomiting."
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