I could give you a full detailed description of 75% of the penises in that room
SLUTTIEST. 4TH. EVER.
I might scale it back and go as an investment banker. Which is the exact same costume as James Bond on LSD. I just introduce myself differently.
She was kind of put off because I kept calling her baby my spirit animal and staring hungrily at her breasts.
When did you hit me on the head with a stool?
He broke hus nose arm jousting with the traffic cones... We need to make head shots illegal or get helmets or something
it says 'tasty bitch' in sharpie on my tits...
Did you seduce any young men into coming home to your love nest of poutine and jäger bombs?
I'm super stoned watching the vatican smoke cam. Come over.
Your niece just basically announced she's a whore on FB so you should feel pretty good about officiating that wedding next month.
My booty call fought through ice and a foot of snow to get here. He brought booze, food, and cigarettes for three days. My vagina is the greatest motivator of all time.
I just went on etsy and my personalized suggestions on the page were either kinky sex restraints or baby things. I feel like etsy just summarized my life.
Woke up on a lawn chair hugging a bottle of vodka. Hows your morning so far?
I am in the parking lot of CVS in Auburn. I think a truck full of Plan B and regret just arrived.
I don't care how many things you caught on fire, it's still not as bad as doing coke and then filming yourself having sex.
Randomize
