Im in the beachers at wrigley listening to four lesbians debate the pros and cons of 2girls1cup. Success.
John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
My hand is eating my burrito and not saving any for my mouth. TRIPPPPPPPPPPPPPPINN!
Then he complimented me on how excellent I was at breathing through my nose
I don't know but the stairs are covered in apples
We realized he wasn't with us anymore, so we turn around and he's 20 feet back, peeing on a squirrel.
Just described your amazing cock to a complete stranger. I am officially the worst wingman (chick) ever.
Did you blackout Saturday before or after we had sex in a random snow bank?
Just told my boss I wasn't coming in to work because of a serious case of blue balls. Totally made having them worth it.
I had sex on a dinosaur comforter, tell me that does not define my life.
Someone broke in while we were at the bars, window is shattered but nothing got taken
Noone broke in, matt tried to pull a tyrese and punch through the window... were at the hospital.
I may be going to Mexico. I just met a drug dealer at a strip club. Seems legit.
I've had more lap dances than hrs of sleep since Thursday, this is why you're planning all three of my bachelor parties
Like its not even midnight and I've already had enough of her for all of 2015
The school better be open next year. I’ve been FB stalking Dads of my incoming students and there’s serious DILFage in this class! Maybe 2020 will turn around!
It’s 2020. You’ll probably get knocked up. If you’re really lucky you’ll just get the clap
Randomize
