When I woke up in the parking lot today I decided it is not a good idea to hang out with you anymore.
The nurse who basically saved my life just came into the store. Didn't recognize her. Awwwwkward.
This weekend has taught me that sometimes, being buried under a mattress is the safest place in the room.
I just realized I'm the burger in your burger and steak anology. Very disconcerting.
I'm going to be fiscally responsible and buy a handle.
too late I already started a fight with someone named luscious
Totally forgot we howled at the full moon last night... It's safe to say Tuesday Boozeday is my new favorite day of the week
You held an empty wine bottle to your head and declared yourself the "wine unicorn." For the rest of the night you galloped everywhere and whenever anyone refused to be a wine unicorn with you, you tried to spear them with the bottle.
I may have broke the toilet masturbating. On a positive note the floor is really clean now.
How was your night?
Fell down a flight of stairs. Went to a sex dungeon. Was approached by a man in a leather harness.
hooked up with him and then had a conversation with his ex about how we hate people who hook up with our exs...
Does it count as a threesome if your friend drunkenly has sex on top of you while you're passed out?
Would it be inappropriate to meet you at the airport after your family vacation so I can tell you all about the amazing sex I have been having?
We won like $80 last night at the casino, so if we get the Plan B we still have enough to get your basic bitch latte from Dunkin. Calm down.
Tell me that I didn't just get ash in my Russian and just mix it TF in bc who cares and life has no meaning.
Randomize
