Ben affleck wants to be a US senator. Just thought you would puke with me
That bad?
Full length cargo pants, running shoes, and a partial unibrow. Alcohol really is blinding.
Well i tried snorting sugar. so either that made me puke or the fact that i drank water from a fish tank
I have no idea. Next thing I know we're all down on one knee saying the pledge of allegiance and then singing I'm Proud to be an American. Then Trevor ate pizza off the sidewalk.
his grandma walked in on us. twice. and he was truly fucking surprised when i put my pants back on.
dude, i turned on the light and asked if they were ok and they STILL didn't stop. Most determined sex EVER.
My roommate comes home screaming, I brought you home a friend! I thought she brought me a guy...no, she brought home a one-eyed shih tzu.
I got so stoned last night I thought I was in second grade again
Can I even tell you how badly I want a day that is just on and off napping and sex with intermittent snack breaks? Because I want that day very badly.
I have never seen a more amazing text message in my entire life.
Also this time, I didn't have a random creepy guy come up from behind me, grab my junk, and whisper "where's the cocaine?" in my ear. So that's also a win.
Let's play another riveting game of "Whose boxers are hanging on my fence?"
I think the fact that I stole someone's mail and broke my big toe means that I should consider taking some time away from vodka
The fact that my boss lets me drink on my lunch break makes Mondays much easier.
I left my parents and ran through the airport. I was like I'm not getting stuck in Atlanta tonight and not having sex.
Make a note to pack something that won't catch shell casings in your cleavage
Randomize
