My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
apparently he couldn't remember my name so he refereed to me as whats-her-boobs and everyone knew that it was me he was talking about
Dude, someone broke the toilet seat in two, the is a pair of panties on the kitchen counter, and the entire house smells like a brewery
I mean, I'm twenty four years old and I've never paid for my own drink. You can't say that any of your ex girlfriends boobs are THAT great.
The last thing I remember is your grandma calling me a pussy and taking my shot for me. Your family is awesome.
ill dress up as a sperm donor and you can go as the cup....
Spoiler alert: my plans for Halloween are going to make our dealer's birthday look like a bunch of mormon ladies having a scrapbooking circle
He stopped me mid blowjob and asked me to take off my hat. He said it made him feel like Neil Young was going down on him.
We just had sex in the shed while having a conversation about cheeseburgers...so that's how my day is going
Got caught peeing in public. Sucks. It was a police station. Sucks worse.
A legendary roster of degenerates has been assembled.
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
Give me one good reason why I should go with you.
Free beer.
..pick me up at 8.
Let's just say when I woke up I was still drunk. My hangover hit me around noon so I chilled w my dad and took a bath and shower at the same time. You just can't do that at college
When I woke up I was spooning with a block of cheese. Like, cuddling. Me and the cheese we nestling...
Randomize
