gettin pulled by a cop with a camera crew. gonna flee. want my 15 min of fame on cops.
This is the last time I call a hotel to see if you or some random guy paid for the room last night.
I lost count of how many people I peed on last night.
Have you ever straight up just taken a bite out of a block of cheese? Because it's amazing.
I just dumped out my gym water bottle and filled it with white wine. This is the end.
Meet me at the corner of "what the fuck" and"how'd you get in my bed" in 10 minutes.
People said that when they tried to talk to me I answered that there was a glass around my head stopping me from answering them
then she kicked a hole in her own door and the next thing you know, brian's walking up to her room with power tools. in no condition to use them
She kept telling the ambulance to sit down and then started crying when we told her it couldn't hear her
Apparently while trying to get up from vomiting in the toilet I grabbed the seat cover for leverage and smashed my own head between it and the bowl. I don't remember this.
Then you better bring Starbucks and a box of condoms in the morning.
Oh shit. This is getting real.
going on a mission to find my pants and the guy who stole my beer don't wait up
reason #326 why I'm still single.... my date just told me there's a little boy ghost that lives in his closet because he likes his music.
Dude, he paid us overtime to smoke weed out of a bong at his house
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
Randomize
