woke up to find a pram in the balcony. first thing we did was look over the edge!
Puked in a plastic neiman Marcus bag while driving. My biggest accomplishment yet
he squeezed my boobs like he didn't know what else to do with them, then turned down head...
told you he was gay.
It feels wrong to have dick mouth at a family dinner.
I will miss his soup and his dick the most
I just remembered you had me meet your law professor while I was wasted...how'd that go?
its warm now so i can go back to sleeping with guys based on their fuckability rather than how much warmth they generate.
Marking my student's "don't do drugs" posters while simultaneously texting my dealer, is this what being a grown up is like?
Dude I just saw a beer truck w taps in the side... It's like god heard my prayers and sent me a gift from heaven
I just woke up in my locked bathroom. It's 5 PM. What happened?
And the next morning he asked me why I had clothes on so I said so that he could take them off again.
Babe, holding my hair while i blow you doesn't count as being romantic
I found condoms in the back yard from you and your boyfriend. My house isnt a motel
I had to explain to an ER nurse that I burned my dick playing onion ring toss today, your social awkwardness hardly compares.
I bet you my entire life savings of $0 that there's a Doctor Who porn parody and that it features the sonic screwdriver being inserted into some cavities
Randomize
