bella threw up all over the kitchen floor then looked at me, laughed, and walked away
isn't bella the cat???
that she is
Dude im not sure whos apartment i woke up in but i just showered here and their shampoo in phenomenal
dude, it should not be this hard to find a bottomless mimosa on a friday morning
Until you wake up with a Hustler club stripper in the next room whose nipple you were coerced to lick at Snake & Jake's after breaking up a fight between an Indian and a Filipino, I don't wanna hear about your weird.
I was just told that i'm a premature cuddler. . . What does that even mean?
Whatever it is you failed
I didn't just randomly come up with it. But if you want to give me extra credit for creativity I have a bare chest and chocolate sauce left
I'm about to fuck a girl in an old school Tony Kukoc Bulls jersey. About to earn my third championship ring in sex
I'm not pregnant. Security came before he could.
No it was fine, I've just never seen that many people eat dog food
I had a dream that my roommate walked in on me masturbating and I hissed "I'm not stopping this orgasm train for the likes of you" and just kept going
I was stuffing my vagina with gummy bears last night having him eat them out of me. Team Haribo for the win!
I settled on "Merry Christmas! Btw you may have chlamydia". I thought a nice holiday greeting would soften the blow
He was super adorable, like I wanna pinch his cheeks while I fuck him...
Does your drug dealer have a printer I can use??
Ugh I don't want to adult today. I need like a dozen more coffees. Or cookies. They're interchangeable.
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