Dude, I couldnt get it up cause she said her parents were home...
ok, come over...I have doritos
Omg my grandpa just told me he wants to die in his 90's shot by a jealous husband
Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
he asked me what things i liked that he did in bed, and i told him all the things i hated so he would use it on that new bitch and she wouldnt hook up with him anymore.
you for real need to get over him dude
So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"
Here's an idea...how about I take shots by myself and drunk dial you around noon?
He told us that was the only place he could get service when we found him in the closet passed out with a beer
people who like being in relationships make me feel bad about myself.
She told me she needed to clarify that we are not fuck buddies, we are best friends that have sex once in a while
Katie told the cabby "when the boat docks I'm getting off with you"
When I said tequila slammers would be the death of me, I didn't intend it to be today. Oh god.
I woke up knowing I have nowhere to be today except parties and it was glorious and I am so happy
Taylor Swift needs more songs about threesomes. I'm not sure she gets me anymore.
I don't really want to talk about it, but if anyone finds my unicorn mask with my bra in it, I would really like that back.
Pennsylvania now holds the distinct honor of being the third state I've crapped my pants in.
Randomize
