My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
just put cider in my bong. gotta love fall
he said "cool" when i took off my bra and proceeded to stare wideeyed at them the ENTIRE time. it was like sleeping with the kid i showed my boobs to for the first time in 6th grade.
our landlord thinks we're weird & alcoholics. he came in to fix our broken tub and saw the laundry door on our table for beer pong, the garbage bag full of empty fifths, and that one armed baby on the doorstep. plus he saw us swimming and yargging in our pirate pool that one time.
He's warming up to shark week, by only eating fish and drinking vodka, and all the time he keeps yelling "death to the seals!"
I feel like there should be a database and you screen your boyfriend's scrotum and all the fucked up shit they've done goes on file.
He ran into the surf holding up a cigarette yelling "let the Olympic games begin!" So no, no vodka left.
I consider my hand a solid 5. So if I'm dipping below a 7.5, I might as well go with old faithful.
I can not be a lesbian living on Beaverland.
I didn't know what to do so I panicked and puked in my pillowcase with my pillow still inside.
I just screamed IM THE CHUPACABRA and jumped on his dick. I need to evaluate my life choices.
He's only giving you free adderall so you can focus on his dick.
i refuse to sex anyone who doesn't get my lord of the rings references. no exceptions.
Currently watching high school football on ESPN. Drink every time they say 'this kid's got potential' or 'look at this kid go' or 'atta kid' We're done for..
She said she was sorry for rolling around in her own vomit. Honestly, I thought it really added to the party.
Randomize
