I think I am morally bankrupt
Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
she said we were using the spray butter as air freshener
I had to drink heavily last night because I needed to forget that you told me you want to blow my dad.
There's a warrant out for his arrest for throwing a mannequin through a bus stop.
I hate about 85% of people that I meet. I'm an awful person. In reality my only redeeming qualities are my face, my amazing scissoring skills and the fact that children love me.
True on all accounts.
I am trying to think of a way to tell him about thanksgiving and the following weekend in a way that makes me sound funny and exciting and not like an alcoholic
did you not get the photos of the finger bruises on my ass?
If it makes you feel any better, I had my finger up some guy's butt today... Dominatrix training, ya know...
I just watched this dude try to convince this girl to go home with him. She was like, That's cute, you're cute.and she just walked away. Man I'm so not drunk enough to be around this level of sad.
You answered, dry heaved into the phone twice, & then hung up on me.
I think his dick was bigger than his dog
Why can't he just dump me? This is like a baby seal clubbing the hunter
so i went over to her house and we played crash bandicoot, ate calzones, and had sex all day. im in love.
Fuck you, i'm all jacked up on bananas lets go somewhere
Randomize
