How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
i think i gave myself a perma-hangover. or god just hates me.
so im gonna ask for shark week off tomorrow at work and i advise you do the same
I just googled if crying burns calories
What did he say? I couldn't hear him over the sound of how awesome his beard is.
Jake and I will do a protection ritual for ur dick I don't know where she has been
My father is flirting with a transexual server at hamburger mary's. We can never tell him.
I have 7 papers to write and I already bought gas station ice cream in my pjs and questioned whether or not a beer float was a thing.
We tried to play tennis but after about 15 minutes we gave up and fucked against the fence. Woulda been a cute third date so of course I had to ruin it.
Welcome to a new world. May the gods of weed smile upon you as you embark on exploring this new dimension.
I'm gonna try Jim's breakup remedy this weekend.
Is that the one where you drink 3 cases of beer and rewatch as much WWE RAW as you can find? Or the one where you hookup with fatties on Craigslist?
Wait.....I ate a raw potato lastnight.
I just want you to make me second guess my worth as a human. Is that too much to ask?
No dude 10 parakeets in your bedroom is 9 parakeets too many. Bring them back. Today!
I learned three things this morning. Don't get out of my car without my keys, don't let a girl paint my nail unless I'm getting laid by said girl, and lastly I learned how to break into my own car.
Randomize
