Better skin, bigger boobs.. Birth control is INCREASING my chance of getting pregnant because people actually want to have sex with me now.
i would rather give Shaq a handjob than take this accounting final
It'll be like the burning bush except without moses and with pubes.
Dude your neighbors are having a garage sale. They were judging me as I walk of shamed back to my car.
my heaven will be filled with hot naked men covered in chick-fil-a sauce and me wearing a bib
Can you please reassure him im not a scary or intimidating person? And that really my entire life is a series of completely ridiculous events that have led me here?
Don't forget the part about the bar bathroom stumbles.
Oh damn, you're right. I have to include that. You turned off all the lights with your head. That was impressive.
I think my sex life is about to turn into a war on two fronts
Having sex with my girlfriend wearing my old Tom Brady jersey on the day he's freed is the closest I'll come to a 3way with Tom
I just had a 10 minute staring contest with my dog. Can you come over?
The bride is so wasted, she fell into her cake.I wanna be on her level
Never thought I'd see the day when I got assless chaps in the mail, and yet here we are...
it’s my vagina i can do what i want to
I'll give you another blowjob if you bring me some cake.
My mom purposely got me drunk so I can stay at her house bc "we don't spend enough time together." I blacked out anyway, so we didn't spend time together regardless.
Randomize