Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
He plays me like an instrument...he is the Carlos Santana of my vagina.
we need to start a braincell conservation fund for you, sort of like save the whales or something.
vaguely remember the bartender stopping me outside last night so he could pull the duct tape out of my hair
Don't freak out about the couches in the driveway. We tried to unpack the uhaul drunk.
I mean, we started to hook up but my asthma attack kind of killed the mood
In the memo line of the check she wrote sexual healing.
There was a note in my hello kitty underwear telling me "don't go over 9000"
Drunk on Tuesday. Double fisting. Mmmbop is playing. Only girl in the group. Life is complete.
If he breaks up with me, your job is to keep me drunk and make sure I don't sleep with anyone. Ok?
casual night just sitting in the kitchen at 2 am eating stale chips and hot sauce while my friends younger sister is cleaning all the blood off my body
Depending on which video of him streaking you watch, you can see me passed out in the front row.
I gargles a mimosa for breakfast. It's gonna be a killer Monday.
I forgot wine drunk hurts
well true... there's not a real discreet way to masturbate in public
Randomize
