And now we're talking about squeezing babies out of vaginas...
It was all fun and games until Tim shit on the end table
Watching marley and me... this girls got me whipped man
THE PICTURE OF PEPPERMINT MOCHA MADE ME WANT TO TOUCH MYSELF
At what point did I eat out of your mouth?
Halloween has nothing on dressing up as as the INS on cinco de mayo
Pretty sure I just convinced a drunk guy at the train station that I was from the future
She found my wedding ring, sallowed it and wished me good luck explaining it to my wife before walking out. Now what?
This is kind of a weird question but were you the other girl Ben asked to do a group sex thing with?
The only reason I know his name is because we wrote marriage vows in orange crayon on the back of a Walmart receipt.
id like to think im the only pot dealing prostitute that is also an ordained minister. but maybe not. what a time to be alive
Imma do four shots of whisky within two minutes and pass out. Otherwise this'll go badly.
All I can remember from last night was eating nutella and touching myself to Weird Science.
I know you can't find me. Somehow I ended up on the roof smoking a cig with the strippers that are on break. Way too drunk to deal with this right now.
I just found a live peacock hanging out behind the bar. I coerced it into my car and now I have a peacock bro that lives with me.
Randomize
