she was sure she was an eel. She spent 40 minutes sliterhing on the floor to get to her room
I realized we pick a president more often than I get a blowjob
You threw a bottle at the bartender and then stole his tip jar. However, you were quickly KO'd by the bartender. Solid right hook.
Went to my car this morning. Found a waffle from Waffle House in the front seat. No idea how it got there. So hung over I ate it.
Turns out shot glasses hold the perfect serving of sour patch kids....I still fail to see how not having any real glasses is an issue
He broke into my apartment to check his Facebook again, the beer is all gone, and there's a new high score on pac man.
take 2 Ambien then drink a Red Bull and watch Alice in Wonderland. Trust me.
OH YEAH AND FORGOT TO THANK YOU FOR THE lack of WARNING THAT HE WASN'T CIRCUMSIZED.
You know what, don't say anything. You all made fun on me for saying I would fuck him junior year when he taught us algebra and six years later, HERE I AM.
She kept asking for cigarettes, than just put them in her purse as "savings"
lets start a news segment called WHY IS LEOS CROTCH BURNING TODAY
I have a guy for practically everything... except for making me waffles on demand. will u be my waffle guy?
Can you masturbate to someone liking your instagram picture?
I accepted my type is not "conventionally attractive" when she asked me "Him? Are you sure?" 5 times in front of him last night
"They let me see the x-ray. My nose is broken. I saw it. It was cool. Well, I guess it would be cooler if it wasn't my nose."
Randomize
